When I dropped off Natalie at daycare the other day I forgot her pillow. She has a bobby that she loves. She sleeps with her head on it and her knees tucked under her belly. Why? I honestly don’t know. She sleeps stretched out at night so I am at a loss. But anyhow, I ran back to the house and got it. They were outside playing when I got there. I sat in the car and watched her play. It felt strange.
I know she has her own little life at daycare but to me it’s odd to think that I am missing that. Now I don’t really think that she just freezes until I come back. Really, I have not given much thought to it.
I sat there watching her play. I wanted to run to her and hug her and play too. She was running and laughing and I came to the realization that there will be parts of her day I will never know. It’s the slow and unbelievably painful journey to independence.
This is just the beginning. When I was pregnant I had her to myself. No one could hold her or feed her, she was mine and I knew everything. The first six weeks after her birth were as close to the pregnancy as I will ever get. I was with her 24/7 and at least knew when she did something even if I was not the one doing it. However that is slowly changing. Natalie can do for herself; she has others that are around when I am not there to help. She cannot yet share her day with me and even when she can she won’t share every minute. I don’t expect her to.
I guess what I am saying is that I realize she is not me. She has her own life and I blessed with a very important supporting role; her mother. However, that role is not one that is written in as much as I would like. I almost feel as if I am slowly being written out.
She learns new milestones and with each I loose some of my lines. It’s slow and I know that I will gain a few lines here and there with other milestones. I know at some level that part of my character description includes teaching her to become a mother, a friend, and a wife. To teach her that the women has many roles some supporting and of course some staring roles.
But it’s hard. It’s unbelievable unbearably hard.