Sunday, October 14, 2007

The most important role of my life

When I dropped off Natalie at daycare the other day I forgot her pillow. She has a bobby that she loves. She sleeps with her head on it and her knees tucked under her belly. Why? I honestly don’t know. She sleeps stretched out at night so I am at a loss. But anyhow, I ran back to the house and got it. They were outside playing when I got there. I sat in the car and watched her play. It felt strange.
I know she has her own little life at daycare but to me it’s odd to think that I am missing that. Now I don’t really think that she just freezes until I come back. Really, I have not given much thought to it.
I sat there watching her play. I wanted to run to her and hug her and play too. She was running and laughing and I came to the realization that there will be parts of her day I will never know. It’s the slow and unbelievably painful journey to independence.
This is just the beginning. When I was pregnant I had her to myself. No one could hold her or feed her, she was mine and I knew everything. The first six weeks after her birth were as close to the pregnancy as I will ever get. I was with her 24/7 and at least knew when she did something even if I was not the one doing it. However that is slowly changing. Natalie can do for herself; she has others that are around when I am not there to help. She cannot yet share her day with me and even when she can she won’t share every minute. I don’t expect her to.
I guess what I am saying is that I realize she is not me. She has her own life and I blessed with a very important supporting role; her mother. However, that role is not one that is written in as much as I would like. I almost feel as if I am slowly being written out.
She learns new milestones and with each I loose some of my lines. It’s slow and I know that I will gain a few lines here and there with other milestones. I know at some level that part of my character description includes teaching her to become a mother, a friend, and a wife. To teach her that the women has many roles some supporting and of course some staring roles.
But it’s hard. It’s unbelievable unbearably hard.

Letter to Natalie

You have came into our lives and have turned them upside down. Which is ok because you have done it with a style and grace that is all your own. You rule over this house with a power I have not known before.
You will wake up and stare at me. Often you pat my checks and give me kisses or other times you will snuggle in closer and I will kiss you and play with you hair. I LOVE this time with you. I love the feeling that I get when you wake up and see me. That smile is priceless one I hope to see for the rest of my life.
You love the shower. You play with your ducks and will often take your washcloth and clean the bathtub. You hate getting you hair washed, but think it’s funny to put soap on a washcloth and scrub you. That is only if you repeat “scrub, scrub,scrub” the whole time. Why? I do not know.
When I shave you insist on having a razor (ok guys really I took the blade off). I will put a quarter size ball of shaving cream on your leg to which you will profusely swing your razor while babbling.
You, for some reason, are not foud of getting out of the shower and letting you daddy take you. You actually cant stand it. Your sick sense of humor thinks its funny for me to have to get out and wrap both of us up in towels while you try to escape.
You love having you ears cleaned. You will stop and lean you head to me so that I can clean them. You insist on seeing the Q-tip after and will often say “OOOooo” Yes it seems ear wax is a daily discovery.
You hate getting a diaper on or changed. You want to flip and flop. Is not that you don’t want a diaper, because you don’t seem to care. You just don’t want to stop and take the time out to have it done. Getting dressed is becoming the same battle.
You like you daycare. Most days you will walk into the room and start playing. You have started to keep a closer eye on me as I put your things away and talk to your teachers. It’s getting harder and harder to slip out so that you don’t see me.
When I pick you up I always get stories about cute things you have done like putting all the dolls in the chairs at the table. Or sticking the guitar in the bottle holder on your diaper bag. I hate that I miss these moments.
You love to play and explore. You are incredibly independent. You like to go between the playroom, the living room and the kitchen with you toys. You will not play long alone but will play for a while by yourself if your father or I am in the room.
You love fresh fruit, crackers, cheese and bites of meat are all high on the list of things you like. Anything that you can feed yourself.
You love to paint, and color. You do not mind the texture of clay and silly putty. You will take you hands and spread them out and the close them. You want to know what things feel like. You prefer it to be messy.
You will only sleep sideways in the bed. You tuck your toes under my stomach to keep them warm. I am not sure that this is the only motivation because I am pretty sure you also use them as a tracking device to see if I am still bed. You would just die at the thought of something happening without you. You will kick blankets of because the rest off you body cannot be covered. I can not get you to sleep correctly. I will try to move you and you stay until I go back to sleep and then you will move. The truth is that I have not tried very hard. I love that we sleep together no matter what direction.
You will crinkle up you nose and snort. I am not sure were you picked this up. But you have found it to be a very useful tool in bargaining. We are often told that you work a room and you do. You will smile and snort till they are all watching you.
I can see when you are up to something. I can look at you and almost see the wheels turning in you head. I can watch you figure something out and it’s amazing. Your father and I are constantly amazed at how smart you are.
With all the crinkled noses, the kisses and smiles I love you more then you know.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


This morning was one of those days. Miss Natalie is cutting teeth and is not the least bit amused with the idea. Did I mention I am just about as thrilled as her. She wanted up, down and upside down, anything to make the pain go away. As much as I would like to pick her up and go back to bed and snuggle, I couldn’t, and she just did not understand. It took three hours to get us both ready and our stuff together. I gave her Motrin which I am hoping will help her at daycare. I hope and pray that she has a better day then how we started off.
The weather is finally cooling down. It should actually start feeling like fall soon. It was miserable picking apples during 90 degree weather. It was nothing close to what I had envisioned. Somehow I had sweaters and apple cider and crisp cool air pictured. This weekend weather is expected to be in the high sixties. This will be pleasant to walk around the craft fair Saturday. Unlike next weekend which is expected to be in the 80’s. Ahh…Who knows it could be snowing for Halloween. And by judging the costume that I bought for Natalie it will.

Apples by the number

2 bags to put apples in
One hour forty-five minutes to pick the apples
3 ways to arrange the car in hopes all fruit makes it home safely
5 apples that were ate before we left the orchard
3 apples that Natalie had in her car seat with her by the time we got home.
Lost count at 200 when counting the total number of apples
5 hours peeling apples
3 hours cooking apples
8 quarts of apple sauce
12 pints of apple sauce
Still counting hours of recovery time